I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.