Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
whatcha thinkin bout
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti