ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?