I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
From my Mom
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Plant care tips