“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Succinctly put.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me