Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My typo game is string.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Ummm
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.