blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Lol
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn