he’s doing your taxes
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
OH. COME. ON.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture