Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.