Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
do u think theres a butter planet?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…