“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.