If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.