Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
You Might Also Like
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
this is what they would have looked like, though
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
this is the best day of my life
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.