T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*puts cutlery down*
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.