Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
You Might Also Like
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5