Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*