Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
seems like a niche market
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.