Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?