I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.