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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
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