You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities