How all things should be taught/explained.
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How dude HOW?!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”