Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*