They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
good work, everybody
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
every single time