A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard