I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Ugh but profoundly
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies