[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Sign at work today
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
The photographer’s assistant
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen