*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*