I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
how long have you had this for?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.