Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Thoughts
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.