“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.