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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”