My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
O Wise One….
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot