I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.