Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
You Might Also Like
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o