I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Venn
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*