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I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”