When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You Might Also Like
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
We avoided this particular disaster
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
can I use a minion as a tampon
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?