Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Welcome
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it