If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!