Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
why I oughta
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
blocked.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?