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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
how to market bottled water to dads
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.