My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If only.