Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.