Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I hope they boil the right one.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.