Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?