Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?