In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
That earthquake could have been an email.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Bootstraps
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?