If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Bro what is this
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send