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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.